Hopefully I'll be able to start doing video reviews (but my camera is crapera) but for now I'll stick to text. Anyway, LIVE FROM ENGLAND, ITS T.A.T. REVIEWS!!!
(Hehe, I love SNL)
(plus this review wont have much humor coz' I wrote it for English class. But the next review will be funnier.)
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War of The Worlds (2005)
A review by ThatAngryTeen
Rating: 1 Star Out of Four
It seems that Steven Spielberg has declined in the years of his reign as ‘King of Hollywood’, for example;
· E.T. The Extra Terrestrial – a fun adventure for all the family, with charming characters, a lovable protagonist and a story that could make you laugh and cry in any situation where you’re watching it. So all in all, a main point in cinematic history.
· Raiders of The Lost Ark – Possibly my favorite film of all time, with one the most memorable soundtracks in history. An action adventure that seems family friendly until an epic climax involving the Ark of the Covenant, Nazis, and Indiana Jones. I won’t tell you what happens simply because of how awesome it really is.
· Star Wars – Do I REALLY need to say it?
· Hook – Spielberg’s first fail in cinema. Although it has the brilliant acting of Robin Williams and Maggie Smith, it doesn’t succeed in creating its own version of Neverland, it has no new ideas besides for Captain Hook play baseball (you heard right, playing baseball.)
I could go on for hours about Spielberg’s hits and misses, but I would like to focus on his latest box-office bomb, War of the Worlds.
It begins with a narration about the truth that someone has been watching humans for years from far off. I actually like this because it’s narrated by my favorite actor, Morgan Freeman, I just can’t believe he agreed to this film. It cuts to an incompetent father (and played by an incompetent actor) looking after his kids while his ex is on holiday. One day Martians shoot down into previously buried Tripods killing machines (if they were there before why the hell didn’t they take over Earth back when humans were stupid and religion-obsessed? PLOT HOLE 1).
When the first tripod we see a delightful display of excitement and CGI… as the Martians horribly disintegrate humans, which is another thing, to what purpose? Why zap what you later want to harvest? Why harvest humans? And, for that matter, why balance these towering machines on ill-designed supports? If evolution has taught us anything, it is that limbs of living things, from men to dinosaurs to spiders to centipedes, tend to come in numbers divisible by two (PLOT HOLE 2).
After countless deaths by walking voids of logic of thought, the father attempts to drop his kids off at their mums. The human characters are also disappointingly one-dimensional. Cruise's character is given a smidgen of humanity (he's an immature, divorced hotshot who has custody of the kids for the weekend) and then he wanders out with his neighbours to witness strange portents in the sky, and the movie becomes a story about grabbing and running and ducking and hiding and trying to fight back.
There is one scene I particularly like because it jumps the shark in stupidity and defies all logic. Cruise’s daughter is walking away to ‘use the bathroom’ when she passes a lake as hundreds of dead bodies float past (Gentleman, The New York Floaters!). If Martians vaporize their victims or drain them of blood, how or why did they dump all the bodies in the lake? Were they all suicidal and jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge? Oh I really have to stop trying to bring logic into this (PLOT HOLE 3).
So all in all, this movie is depressing, poorly written, poorly acted, illogical, and a list of other cinematic obscenities. The effects are impressive to say the least but it doesn’t save it from being a suicide-bombing of cinema.
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